I have always been a fairly cautious person, but when I became a mom that caution quadrupled. Especially when I have the kids with me or both my husband and I are together away from the kids. Every time I’m in a traffic jam I think, “If they go, take me too!” I can’t imagine life without them. But I also can’t imagine not being around for their college graduations, weddings and babies.
This week, I got kind of a kick in the head. I went to discuss the results of my recent blood work with a new doctor. I have spent the last few days struggling with the idea of quality of life vs quantity of life. My situation is in no way dire. But if I don’t take action, I will certainly become sicker. I had to make a decision that may affect the rest of my life. I chose to begin hormone replacement therapy.
The Back Story
This story goes back a bit, so bear with me.
In my early thirties, I started having some blood sugar issues. I would suddenly lose it, get the shakes and need food immediately. I was NEVER the kind of person that could skip meals. As a child, I would cry for no reason (now we know I was hungry and having a low blood sugar attack). It took some time, but I finally put two and two together and realized that my birth control pill was causing my blood sugar attacks.
Then at 35 when I became pregnant for the first time, I knew almost instantly because I started having blood sugar issues. For me it was always related to hormones.
I gained 54 lbs with that first pregnancy. I felt horrible the entire time and self medicated with candy to keep my blood sugar up, but ended up just gaining weight! I have been pregnant 4 times and each time I felt like hell and just continued to put on weight that I couldn’t get off.
If you’ve followed me at all, you know those last 2 pregnancies ended poorly. The first loss at 16 weeks was just unexplained. They found that I have a genetic condition predisposing me to blood clots and maybe (or maybe not) that contributed. My last pregnancy, I took every pill and vitamin that was recommended. I gave myself shots daily of blood thinners. At 20 weeks, we discovered he had Trisomy 18. Trisomy 18 is due to a bad egg.
Hormone Replacement Therapy
Since that last pregnancy, I have struggled with my hormones. My cycles have been way off. I rarely sleep. I had a few hot flashes, but nothing consistent or too much. I went to my doctor who said it was peri-menopause. I balked because I had just terminated a pregnancy at 21 weeks four months prior. I went to another doctor. She told me it was premature ovarian failure and I just had to live with it.
By the summer of 2012, I didn’t know who else to turn to. I saw a nutritionist. I figured that food was the fuel for my body and I needed to fix the fuel to fix the body. I did well with that, but it was a struggle to completely cut out gluten and sugar with such a busy life.
My symptoms over the last 2 years have only worsened. I rarely sleep more than 5 hours a night. I cannot lose weight no matter what I try. My cycles are CRAZY.
I told a friend and she recommended that I see her doctor. He specializes in bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. So, at my wits end, I went.
This week I got the initial blood tests back. All of my hormone levels are in the post-menopausal range…at 41. I am also insulin resistant. Which means that my cells cannot take in the insulin my body is making. If this continues unchecked, I will become diabetic.
I admit I don’t eat perfectly, but I also don’t eat out more than twice in a week. I try to limit my wheat intake. I am 15lbs overweight. I rarely exercise more than what my normal life already entails…chasing a 2, 4 and 6 year old around…but I don’t sit around watching tv all day either.
I am NOT the poster child for all this.
Now I need to take medication to treat the insulin resistance and hormones.
Hormone replacement therapy is scary. My aunt had a stroke a few years ago and they feel that it was from her hormone replacement medicine (I’m taking a different one). I already have a condition that predisposes me to blood clots and stroke and now I have to choose whether or not to take medication that may or may not up my chances for that. But I will almost certainly continue this way too fast decline if I don’t.
The bio-identicals are a different kind of medicine and a bit more natural (from what I’ve read so far). I’m still researching it all. My new doctor assures me it’s actually more beneficial than harmful.
But in thinking about whether or not to take it, it comes down to this: Do I want to live every day that I have with my children and have them know me as a fun, energetic mom? Or do I want them to remember me laying around, unable to have the energy to do things with them always in the background of their lives?
This may or may not be the choice I am making right now. We make thousands of little decisions every day that can have a major impact on our lives. But this feels like a big choice.
I choose to live with them rather than to watch them live without me.
